


Desiderium

by QueenAmidalaa (Natasha24)



Series: Words [4]
Category: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004), Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hux does a stupid thing and may live to regret it, Inspired by one of my favorite movies ever, Memory Alteration, reyuxweek2017
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2018-09-24 06:56:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9709274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Natasha24/pseuds/QueenAmidalaa
Summary: Hello, I am Dr. Alanna Flynch of the First Order.I have decided to write a personalized letter to you, Rey of The Resistance, to tell you that General Hux of The First Order opted to have the memory of you erased from his mind.Alternatively titled: Eternal Sunshine of a Rey-less Mind.





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, guys! Long time, no see huh? I've had a few crazy months (house fire, college issues, hacking, Carrie and Debbie (RIP Angels), the whole shebang) but I'm back and ready to share my stories with you guys once again :D Of course, I'll be finishing TC soon, but I thought I'd post this on here in the meantime. My lovely beta (and extremely patience and tolerant) Starshine-galaxy is hosting a Reyux week on Tumblr so here's my contribution. I hope you guys like it <3

 

> **Desiderium** **(Latin)**
> 
> An ardent desire or longing, particularly for something or someone once had and now missed.

 

It was the third time he’d heard that pause. It had been days, and he couldn’t handle it anymore. He couldn’t allow her to close herself away. She had a life, responsibilities...he sat down a plate that he had nearly shattered in his anger. She was throwing it away for him all over again! He had always prided himself on treating her with respect and giving her space when need be but...he couldn’t bare to stand it anymore. It was time.

Taking a deep breath, he wiped his wet hands on a dish towel. He gathered his strength before bounding to the closed door, threw it open, and...and just that easily, he lost all of his gathered courage. He found her curled in on herself atop her made bed, a hand pressed to her mouth to muffle her cries.

“Rey,” He said as gentle as he could. She waved him away just as a recording on her datapad restarted.

“Tell me about Rey.”

There was a small smack of the lips before that unmistakable voice said, “She’s selfish. She’s a coward, a liar, and one of the worst people I have ever met in my life. She’s...she’s deceitful, she uses people until they don’t benefit her anymore. She, I can even say she may even be a witch with the way she found a way to make me l- care about her.”

“And why do you wish to erase Lady Ren-”

“Rey.” Hux snapped. “It’s just Rey. She has no claim to a title here.”

“Why do you wish to erase Ms.-”

“Just Rey!” Hux snapped.

Silence. For a moment, it seemed as though the recording was over.

An awkward clearing of the throat emitted from the datapad's speaker, proving otherwise. “My apologies. Allow me to try again.” The doctor cleared his throat once again, most likely due to one of Hux’s unnerving glares. “Sir, why do you wish to erase Rey from your memory?”

“She is hindering my progress. Our Supreme Leader has chosen me as his apprentice and I can not focus on his teachings with the memories of her present in my mind.” His voice had returned to it’s calm, clipped tone.

“I see you have already taken the liberty of bringing items that remind you of her.”

“Yes.”

“We ask our patients to collect these items over a course of three days as a grace period. It gives them time to be sure of their decision.”

He didn’t bother to hide his annoyance as he said, “I don’t need a grace period. I am fully aware of what I am choosing.”

“If you insist, sir.”

“I do.” Hux said.

“Alright. Well, lower the helmet Dr. Fynch.”

“I assume this has been properly sanitized?”

“Of course, sir.” There was a creak as the doctor stood from his chair, then a shuffling of what sounded like paper. “As you know, we are going to use the items you have selected to build a map of, for lack of better words, Rey. We will find where memories of her lie in your mind, and then we will take them away while you are resting tonight. We will discard the items later so you won’t be confused by their unexplained presence.”

“The first thing we have here is a black caf mug. We want you to think about why this mug is meaningful to you. Don’t explain, just think.”


	2. Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentines Day!! A prompt is actually used in this chapter! Fun fact: I had a different one shot for each of the prompts already written out when I got the sudden urge to scrape them all and do this instead. That definitely wasn't easy, but I have had fun playing with this type of story and I hope you all like what I've come up with. 
> 
> Of course, thank yous are in order for my lovely beta and creator of this week: Starshine-galaxy on Tumblr. My stories wouldn't be what they are without her! As usual, feel free to leave questions/comments/etc. in the comments and have a good day :)

Hux lay there motionless, lying on his back in the middle of his bed, his hands crossed over one another on top of his dark sheets as if he was under the influence of some kind of sleeping death. The only way to confirm that he was, in fact, alive was the even rise and fall of his chest. Dr. Alanna Flynch couldn’t help but giggle at the sight.

 

“He looks like a princess.” She whispered to her partner for the evening, Dr. Lin Kounal, who could only agree with a stiffened laugh.

 

Lin hefted the briefcase onto the edge of the bed and removed the required equipment. “They gave him the correct dosage right?” She asked while eyeing the loaded hypo-syringe in the briefcase.

 

“Here’s to hoping so,” Alanna said, her voice farther away than before. Lin looked over her shoulder to find her colleague gone.

 

“Alanna?”

 

“In here!” She stepped out of the door to the right of the entrance, a wide smile on her face. Her arms were overflowing with small, white boxes. “Can you believe he has a stockpile of toothpaste?! And not the cheap kind, the kind that actually has a flavor! I’m stealing us some.”

 

“That’s all toothpaste?”

 

Alanna bit her lip, a habit of hers when she lied. “Maybe I picked up some soaps and body wash too. It’s not my fault! He’s the one who wants the procedure done.”

 

Knowing that protesting would be met with little success, Lin rolled her brown eyes. “You better hope he doesn’t realize his things are missing. You know we shouldn’t touch anything, especially nothing of the General’s.” She turned back, activating her holo screen, and began connecting the proper wires.

 

“Okay. I won’t steal anything else.”

 

“Good. Now hurry up and drop those in your bag before someone walks in. Then get over here and help me.  We’ve only got six hours until the General is scheduled to be awake and from what I heard, he and his lover were together for over two years.”

 

Alanna gasped. “Two years?”

 

“Over two years.”

 

“Someone put up with his shit for two years? Now I’m intrigued.”

 

“As though you weren’t as soon as you saw his name on the file.” Lin taunted. “I mean, you were the one that aided Dr. Hilkson in the process right?”

 

“Oh shut up.” Alanna scoffed and snatched two sensors from Lin’s hand. She attached them to Hux’s temples. She couldn’t help but allow her fingers to brush against the skin there. “He has really soft skin. I would’ve never guessed.”

 

“If you’re done living out your teenage dream, could you pull us up some chairs?”

 

Alanna straightened and looked about the room. Her eyes zeroed in on a desk tucked into the corner of his room and the two chairs positioned parallel to each other. “It’s like he has OCD.”

 

“Don’t throw your back out,” Lin said, her nose only inches away from her holo screen. She smirked when she heard Alanna grunting along with the dull sound of squeaking wheels.

 

“And we’re online!” Lin announced, just as Alanna returned to her side with the chairs. She fell back onto the closest one with a sigh.

 

“Look at all those green areas.” Alanna sat on the edge of her own chair next to Lin and pointed to the large circles of green on the map of Hux’s brain that appeared before them on the holo screen. “She made him so happy. Why would he want to get rid of all those memories?”

 

“Simple. Look at the red areas. Yes, there aren’t as many, but there are a lot. I know you heard his tape. He clearly hates her.”

 

“How does one go from loving someone so much to hating them with everything in them?”

 

Lin paused and turned her head to look at Alanna. “You’ve never been in love, have you?”

 

“No, and if regretting ever loving someone to the point of needing your memory erased to function properly is what it is, I never want to be in love.”

 

Lin had no reply worth voicing, so she turned her attention back to her computer. “Looks like everything’s up and running. Might as well not stall this any longer.”

 

“Can we watch? I know the technology was updated recently.”

 

“Invasion of privacy,” Lin answered.

 

“We already signed the agreement. Whatever we see won’t leave the room anyway, so why not take a little peek.” Alanna grinned and nudged her. “Just long enough to see what Hux looks like when he smiles? Please? I’ve always wondered.”

 

“That’s because you have a crush on him.”

 

“Had!” Alanna spluttered, her cheeks turned a faint shade of pink.

 

“Have, and you know it,” Lin smirked.

 

“Ugh, come on! Were you never in the least bit attracted to him? Ever?”

 

“I appreciated his polished appearance. But if you must know, no, I’ve never been attracted to him.”

 

Alanna sighed through her nose. “And here I thought we’d have something in common.”

 

Lin groaned. “Fine, we can look for a few minutes.”

 

“Yess!” Alanna drummed on Lin’s arm. “Do it, do it, do it! I wanna see!”

 

Lin tapped a few codes into the screen before flicking a switch. There were a few moments of haziness before Hux exhaled loudly as the screen cleared, his memories materializing before his eyes like he was in a dream.

 

* * *

 

Unstoppable chaos had erupted around him. There was a loud ringing in his ears, his entire body aching. Still, his mind urged him to get up and fight. He had never been one to just lay down and take a beating and he wouldn’t begin now. Especially not when a Resistance invasion was taking place. Hux tried to lift his head but was stopped by a gentle hand.

 

Rey entered his line of vision. She was covered in blood and grime, her hazel eyes wide with alarm and fear. She gently rolled him onto his back and cupped one of his cheeks in her hand. “Just stay down, I’ll be back for you.” She said to him.

 

He tried once more to stand but barely made it onto a knee before he felt his body give up on him. Rey caught his head before he banged it on the metal floor in his fall. Belatedly, he realized she held the hilt of her lightsaber in one of her hands.

 

“I’ve got this, okay? Just stay here. Please, Hux.” She looked desperate for his approval. At that moment, he had no idea what he was agreeing to, but now he wanted to wrap himself around her and hold her to him until she had no choice but to stay. He felt himself nod his head as much as he could before he fell back against the floor.

 

Rey pressed a kiss to his temple, her free hand lingering on his cheek. He should have known then. He should’ve known that this was the last time he would see her, but his mind was too clouded with hope and his trust in her. She pulled back and looked into his eyes far much longer than she should have before finally rising to her feet and running away.

 

Hux tried to reach out, yell, do anything other than watch her run out of his life, but he was paralyzed. He closed his eyes as the painful memories of the event rippled through him sending him spiraling. He was on The Finalizer. It creaked and shuddered around him, and Hux wished it would have taken him with it as it disappeared in a flash of fire.

 

Hux opened his eyes and jumped as he was met with Rey’s face. It was absent of dirt and her cheeks were tinged red. Her long brown hair was wrapped in a white towel and piled atop her head. He stared at her dumbly as she exclaimed,  “Ever since you've said it, you’ve used it to guilt me into blindly following your orders!”

 

He felt a part of him jump alive before he heard himself say, “Ever since I’ve said it, I say it over and over again because it's true! I love you! It's the reason I do everything I do! Because I love you, Rey. And I’ve never felt that way before, so I don't know how to do this...thing. I just want to protect you.”

 

“You can protect me by letting me fend for myself.” Rey tried to fight a smile that ultimately settled on her lips.

 

“That makes no sense,” Hux replied with a smile of his own.

 

Rey laughed and settled next to him, wrapping her arms around one of his and laying her head on his shoulder. “You know what I meant.”

 

He chuckled lowly. “I do, and I will work harder to give you the space you ask for.” He said it though he knew he wouldn't succeed the first or even the second time she asked. He knew this problem would arise again and they would have another fight, but in that moment all he wished to do was enjoy her presence.  He leaned in, kissing her forehead, and focused on the feeling of her drawing abstract shapes into his arm.

 

Suddenly, the feeling was gone. Hux looked over to where Rey once was and found nothing. He looked about the room but there was no sign of anyone other than him. Then, he touched the place where her body was and found it cold and empty.

 

“Rey?”

 

He stood and looked around once again. “Rey?!” he called out.

 

Her head popped out of the refresher door. “What did you say?”

 

The relief he felt from seeing her again was overwhelming. He tried not to think much of it as he asked, “Rey, what happened?”

 

“What did you say to me?” She asked again, her face contorting into an expression of anger.

 

A sudden wave of wrath washed over him and he glared at her as he took several steps away from her. “I said ‘Are you going to spend more time with me or continue to attempt to get in touch with those inferiors!’”

 

“Oh, that’s hilarious Hux.” Rey rolled her eyes and walked back into the refresher.

 

He stormed in. She was sitting on the edge of the tub, unwrapping her dry hair from a towel. Any other time, his eyes would have settled on her partially clothed body and all arguments would have died on his lips. Perhaps that was what she was counting on, but not this time. She was insulting him and his intelligence. She was stomping on all that he has given her and he would not stand for it.

 

“I know what you tried to do. I know you tried to access the intranet and make contact with Leia Organa with my datapad.”

 

“Hux-!”

 

“I _know_ , Rey. You can’t fool me.” He seethed.

 

She shot to her feet, her wavy hair flying wildly about her face from the sudden movement. “I can’t believe you’d accuse me of that! Have you lost your mind?!”

 

“Have you lost yours?! You think I don’t monitor everything you do? You think I don’t notice a breach in security?”

 

Her eyebrows rose. “Oh, so you watch me now?”

 

“I’ve always watched you.” He growled. He felt his nerves snapping, one by one. He was losing grip of himself, and all over a reckless, Resistance-affiliated girl.

 

“Maybe if you weren’t so much of a control freak, I wouldn’t try to leave you!” She shouldered past him, but she didn’t get very far before he was gripping her upper arm.

 

“I gave you everything! I gave you everything I had and you still try to leave?!” He pulled her closer to him and hissed. “What else do you want, girl?”

 

For the first time in months, he saw fear rise in her eyes. Maybe not towards him, but to what he could do, to the hold he held over her. That did not make him release her. Instead, it was the sight of tears rising in her hazel eyes. Every ounce of anger within him dissipated as he registered what he was doing. His grip loosened and Rey snatched her arm back and quickly put space between them.

 

Her voice broke as she finally admitted all that he had known and feared since he’d decided to let her in. “I don’t know.”

 

“Why not?” He asked, careful to keep his voice low.

 

“Because.” She squeezed her eyes shut. “Because I…” She shook her head as if restraining herself. “I can’t. Not now.”

 

“You can’t wh-?”

 

The words burst from her lips before she could stop him. “I love you! I tried to leave because I love you and I don’t know how to handle it or what to think or do!” Her hands fell helplessly to her side.

 

He recoiled as though she had struck him. “You…”

 

“This isn’t how I wanted to tell you. This wasn’t-I wasn’t sure I was going to.” Her arms rose and fell. “So I tried to run away. I knew it wasn’t going to work but, I don’t know what I was thinking.”

 

He was absolutely speechless.

 

“I was _scared_.”

 

Hux fell against the wall, his mind and heart racing much faster than he had ever thought possible.

 

“Hux, please, say something.”

 

He tried, but his lips would form no words. He looked at her helpless, paralyzed from either shock or fear, or a combination of both.

 

“Hux…”

 

He only stared at her with wide, green eyes.

 

Rey felt what little resolve she had crumble, and she ran back into the comfort of the refresher, locking it behind herself.

 

Immediately after, Hux heard her begin to cry. This went on for minutes before Hux could gain control of himself once again. Hux pushed off the wall but never fully stood on his uncertain feet, and moved to approach the door. When he turned the corner of the refresher, his stomach dropped. The refresher door was open and the room was empty. He gripped the doorframe and leaned inside to be sure his eyes weren't betraying him. Nothing.

 

“Rey!?”

 

_“What order are these going in?”_

 

Hux looks to the ceiling where the voice seemed to be originating from. “Hello?”

 

_“I can’t tell you even if I tried. Every other operation has gone in reverse chronological order. It looks like he’s just doing as he pleases.”_

 

_“If he can control the operation then does that mean that he’s not really under?”_

 

 _“Well, the science says no, but this_ is _General Hux we are discussing.”_

 

Hux left the refresher, his head craned up to look at the ceiling. “Can anyone hear me?”

 

_“I think he has some sort of control, whether he realizes it or not.”_

 

_“Either way, he won’t remember this in the morning so does it really matter?”_

 

He took another step and instead of finding the metal flooring in his quarters, he felt himself falling.


	3. Dancing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm starting to think that late night updates are my thing now xD I'm just glad I was able to get this out before I went to bed (I'm so sleepy omg). Here's prompt/Day 2 for Reyux week: Dancing. I'm extremely late but better late than never right?  
> As always, a hugee thank you goes out to my awesome beta Starshine-Galaxy! Feel free to leave kudos and/or comments if you like it andd I hope you all have a good day :D *passes out*

There wasn’t a fall like he had braced himself for. Instead, he felt himself settling into a seat. No, his couch. His quarters materialized around him. He looked around, wondering where she would appear next. Since they spent the better portion of their relationship in either his quarters or his office, it was safe to say that he had no idea which memory he was reliving at the moment. 

 

“Hey! You can’t look away!” Rey yelled. He turned back around and there she was. Dressed in only one of his shirts and a pair of leggings, she was in the middle of demonstrating some sort of awkward two-step. Her laughter filled his ears, her smile and joy causing a smile to rise to his lips. She stopped flailing her arms and bent forward as tears of amusement fell down her cheeks.

 

“Do you understand what I meant?” She managed between bouts of laughter.

 

Hux found himself laughing along with her as he nodded. 

 

“Finn was the worst dancer I had ever seen but he was passionate, you know?” Rey collapsed onto the leather couch beside Hux and tried to catch her breath.

 

“Yes, I understand.” He laughed. That was truly the worst dance he had ever seen. 

 

“I always had to clear the way for him so no one would end up getting smacked in the face, but the look on his face...” Rey’s laughter subsided as she got lost in her memories for a moment. Hux watched her through it all. A small, melancholic smile had settled on her lips, but her eyes showed a fondness that he hoped he could rouse in her one day. Suddenly, she turned her attention back to him with a mischievous look on her face. “I’ve never seen you dance.”

 

He turned away from her and cleared his throat. “And you shouldn’t.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“I only know how to dance with a partner.”

 

Rey slipped closer, easily closing the space he had put between them.  “That was how you were taught in the Academy?”

 

He nodded once. 

 

Rey bounced to her feet, pushed up the long sleeves of his shirt, and held out her hands. “Show me.”

 

He raised an eyebrow at her outstretched hands. “You can not be serious.”

 

“But I am!” Rey laughed and wiggled her fingers at him. “Come on. You can’t be much worse than him.”

 

Hux resisted for a moment too long and Rey took it upon herself to grab his hands and pull him to his feet. He allowed her to, though he knew she could do it on her own with ease. Rey threaded her fingers through his and rose on her toes to press a kiss to his lips. “Show me, please?”

 

It always took her less than a second to break him. The moment she sensed a crack in his armor, she released his hands in favor of wrapping her arms around his waist and singing, “Pleasee!”

 

“Oh alright, but only for a minute.” He held up one finger to emphasize his point. 

 

Rey smiled and nodded. 

 

“Alright. Give me your hands.” He moved them into the correct places, one on his shoulder and the other in his. He stepped closer until their chests touched and straightened her back before resting a hand on her waist.

 

“What type of dance is this?” Rey asked.

 

“The waltz.” 

 

She hummed in acknowledgment.

 

“Follow my lead.” He took a step back with his left foot, and Rey filled the space. His other foot followed and she did too. Then he slid his foot forward and gently nudged her foot backward. When her feet joined once again, she looked at him in confusion.

 

“Is that it?”

 

He held back a smirk. “Of course not. I slowed down the dance so it would be easier to learn.”

 

“I think I can handle it.” 

 

He raised an eyebrow. “Is that so?” When Rey nodded, he said. “Let's see then.”

 

She completed three boxes before he surprised her by gripping her waist tighter and spinning them in a circle. Rey’s concentration broke and she found herself tripping over her own feet. 

 

“Kriffing-!”

 

“You’re okay,” Hux assured her, just barely holding back a laugh. 

 

“You just surprised me,” Rey said. 

 

“Are you ready to try again?”

 

“No!” She said a little too quickly, drawing a laugh from Hux.

 

“I won’t allow you to fall.”

 

“I know.” 

 

“Just trust me.”

 

“I do! You just...you spun a little too fast for me.”

 

“Too fast for a force user?” Hux taunted.

 

Rey huffed once more, at a loss for anything else to say. 

 

“You have to relax and allow me to lead.” He said after she’d stepped on his foot for the second time.

 

“I am!” She whined. “I haven’t tripped again yet, have I?”

 

He hummed, and this time she felt the slight turn of his body and immediately moved to fill the space. She followed in his steps, and soon they had made a complete turn.

 

“That wasn’t so bad, right?” He mused, much to Rey’s chagrin. She hid her face in his shoulder but there was no mistaking the shake of her shoulders as she laughed. “You want to try another spin?”

 

“No.”

 

“I won’t let you fall.” He reminded her.

 

She lifted her face from the fabric of his shirt and rested her chin on his shoulder. “I know. I’m just fine with what we’re doing now.”

 

He released her hand in favor of wrapping his arms around her, holding her closer to him. Maker, how had he lived without her? How could he live without her? How could he…

 

It was as though someone had shaken him awake, making him conscious of what he had gotten himself into. When he woke in the morning, he wouldn’t remember her. He wouldn’t have this memory or any other memories such as this one anymore. It would be as though she never existed. 

 

Hux squeezed Rey tighter, the reality of the situation hitting him harder than he could have ever expected. He was losing everything, including the part of him that was reminded how to love someone so much that he would give everything he had if they had asked. Every lesson he learned from loving her, every touch, every glance, every emotion that she brought out of him...gone, forever. 

 

“No.” He shook his head as he verbally answered his haunting thoughts. “No, this is my mind, I control what’s going to happen and I’m not losing you.” 

 

Rey pulled back from the embrace and looking at him with knitted eyebrows. “What?”

 

“Rey, I can’t lose you.”

 

Her hands cupped his cheeks. “You won’t. I told you, I’m here to stay.” She spoke slowly as if trying to beat the words into his mind. She would have at this point in their relationship, Hux remembered grimly, with his insecurities and worries plaguing them every single day.

 

Hux grabbed her hands and held them in his. “No, that’s not what I mean, I-” He stopped short as the walls of the room around them began to shake. “Rey, you have to stay with me.”

 

“I don’t understand!” She said, now becoming more and more frantic as he did. “What’s going on? What do you want me to do?!”

 

“Follow me.” He released one of her hands and ran. He had no idea where he was going, or how this worked, but he had to try. 

 


	4. Date Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course I can't sleep so I figured I would post today's update early! It's 4am here so I can't think of much to say but I hope you all are having good weeks! Thank you to my one in a million beta: Starshine-galaxy for helping me despite the fact that I'm posting this wayy after Reyux week has ended lol Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy! Free free to leave kudos and comments if you like the story :)

“You can’t be serious.” Dr. Lin Kounal blanched at her partner. 

 

Dr. Alanna Flynch could only let out a distressed whimper until she was able to ward off the tears that had gathered in her eyes. “Did you not see that?!” She pointed to the holoscreen currently displaying Hux’s memories through his eyes.

 

“I did,” Lin nodded. 

 

Alanna’s jaw dropped. “How can you be so stoic? Can’t you see that he regrets his choice now?”

 

“Wouldn’t be the first. There’s nothing we can do now.” Lin said without an ounce of remorse in her words. “After you complete your twentieth procedure, pack up, and leave, you grow used to the regret and the pain.”

 

“How? Why not just turn it off?”

 

“You know why, Alanna. This is brain  _ damage _ . We are destroying parts of his brain just so he can forget about some girl.” Lin wished this was the end of it. She just wanted to get through the procedure and retire to her quarters until the following night, when there was another procedure to be done on a young Lieutenant.

 

“So, if we stop it while the machine is transitioning from memory to memory, it will won’t hurt him, right? Because we’re not stopping it in the middle of the process, but rather between!”

 

“No, Alanna! It’s against the rules, let it go!” Lin groaned in frustration.

 

“He’s our General!” Alana shouted over Lin. “We can do it for him! He’s clearly upset and-”

 

“Stop thinking with your heart and think with your head! He paid us to get rid of the memory of the girl who broke his heart so that’s what we’re going to do. In fact,” Lin opened her own computer and typed in a override code that allowed her to manually delete memories as a means to speed up the process. She just wanted the night to be over.

 

“No!” Alanna shoved Lin out of the way, nearly knocking the woman to the floor. “You know what happens when you don’t let the computer take it’s time! It leaves behind fragments! You’re screwing up everything!”

 

Lin regained her balance but made no effort to return to her position beside Alanna. “No, you are! Because I know what turning the machine off does, it ruins lives! Nobody ever comes back as the person they once were.”

 

Alanna’s arms flailed about her in confusion. “Isn’t that the point?!”

 

“No!” Lin huffed. “It erases their entire personality! They have to relearn everything all over again!”

 

“How would you know?”

 

“I’ve done the procedure before Alanna, you know this!”

 

“So what? What does that prove?” 

 

“So I know not to mess with it! You think I haven’t empathized and turned it off?! You think I haven’t seen how much it hurt people to erase the ones they realize helped them find themselves? I know! And I have had to pay the price ten times over for my mistakes.” Lin looked in Alanna’s eyes. “I’m not making any more mistakes, and I’m not letting you make mistakes.”

 

She felt the mood in the room change and instantly knew that there was an untold confession lingering above their heads. There was something familiar about the raw emotion in Lin’s eyes, the desperation and alarm. She couldn’t recall a moment where she had seen her so vulnerable. 

 

“Lin, what did you do?”

 

* * *

 

Hux was sure he had Rey’s hand in a death grip, but all he could think about was maintaining the memory of her. As explained to him during the consultation, the places where the erasure would take place were predetermined, so if he kept moving, maybe he could hold onto a part of her. So far, he was having more failure than success and they were both becoming more anxious as time went on. Everywhere he took her, things would start to warp and disappear, meaning the machine must have found Rey and was trying to take her away from him.

 

“Why?” She suddenly asked as they passed through his office on The Finalizer. Memories, a new one materializing each time he passed through the exit of the last. He tried to ignore the copies of Rey and himself in order to remain focused, but as he passed through numerous images of his quarters, each displaying a different memory of the two of them, it became more and more difficult to ignore the sound of their cries and arguments during their worst time and the laughter of their better times. 

 

“Why what?” He spared a glance behind him. 

 

“Why are you doing this?”

 

“Now is not the time!”

 

He felt her tug back, but he continued to pull her along. “We have to keep moving Rey.”

 

“No!” She ripped her hand from his grasp and he let her. “Why are you doing this? You had to erase  _ me _ ? All of our memories?”

 

“You don’t understand, come on, Rey.”

 

“Like  _ hell  _ I don't. You think I don’t miss you?! Look at us!” She pointed at the oblivious copies of them that were curling in each other’s arms on his bed, conversing quietly to each other.

 

“This isn’t the time! Come on!” He had given up on pulling her along and instead spun on his heels and continued walking, hoping she’d follow.

 

“When will it ever be the time? I tried to comm you for months after-”

 

“You had no right, Rey!” He turned to face her and found himself alone in his quarters. Even the copies of himself and Rey had disappeared, leaving behind no trace that they had been there in the first place. Dread settled over him once he realized that he had lost her to the machine. He looked around, but he knew that she was gone. “Rey?!”

 

“I’m right here!” Rey said as she walked over to him with two cups of caf. She sat one on his desk, where he worked tirelessly on Maker-knows-what, and held another in her hand as she settled on the ground next to his feet and laid her head against his leg.

 

“I was thinking about watching a holomovie if you want to join me?”

 

He hummed after taking a sip of his caf. He always took it steaming hot, with two creams and four sugars and Rey had made sure to never forget this. “I will consider it.”

 

“Oh, okay,” She said, poorly masked disappointment evident in her tone. “Well, it’s a comedy in case you want to take a break from your work.”

 

She lingered by his side until she was sure he wouldn’t change his mind, just as she always would. With a barely audible sigh, Rey stood and left him to his work. Her shuffling and quiet mumbling drew his attention from his datapad. He watched her stick a data chip in the slot on the holoscreen, fall on the couch, and wrap a blanket around herself. He turned his attention back onto the budget sheets spread about his desk. The First Order had just had taken a loss to The Resistance that left them without seven TIE Fighters along with their pilots and there was a shortage of material needed to construct the wings of the TIE Fighters. A new delivery from the supplier was not due for another two weeks and a spy stationed in the Resistance informed him of an attack that was planned in one week's time, meaning there will be little time to prepare. Hux placed the datapad on his desk and pressed his hands over his eyes. He had so much to do and such little time. He usually thrived under stress, but now he was reluctant to admit that he was feeling overwhelmed. Along with his work related worries, he housed an enemy of the First Order in his quarters and he could only imagine the detrimental results if his secret escaped its walls.

 

“Are you sure you don’t want to join me?” Rey called from the couch. He could hear the starting number of a musical she had been watching repeatedly over the past several weeks. 

 

“I thought you were watching a comedy?”

 

“It’s a romantic comedy!”

 

Hux felt his worries begin to ease away as he smiled. “I recall that it was a musical.”

 

“It’s a romantic comedy musical! Come watch it with me!”

 

Hux looked over the budget sheets and datapads spread about his desk. 

 

As if sensing his hesitation, Rey whined, “Please?! We can order food and it will be like a date!”

 

“This is by no means a ‘date’.” He laughed, but he still found himself pushing away from his desk and joining her in the living area. 

 

“Well, why not?”

 

“A data includes dinner-”

 

“We have food droids!”

 

“-formal wear -”

 

Rey waved his words away and reached out for his hand. “Traditions are meant to be broken.” 

 

He took her hand and allowed himself to be pulled onto the couch. Rey settled under his arm, laid her head on his chest, and threw her arm over his torso. “This is a date to me,” She sighed.

 

Hux rested his head atop hers as she quietly sang along to the next musical number. 

 

As he listened to her melodic voice move through the lengthy song, he felt himself remember what would happen once his recollection of the memory ended. “Rey, come with me.” Forgetting the peaceful moment, he stood abruptly and grabbed her hand. 

 

“What? Why?” She stood nonetheless and allowed herself to be pulled out into the walkway. She jumped back with a yelp when the cold air hit her bare arms. “Can I at least get a tunic?”

 

He shook his head. “If you don’t come with me, I’m going to lose you forever.”

 

Her eyebrows knit together in confusion. “What?”

 

“Just-I’ll explain in a minute.” She must have seen the panic in his eyes, as she nodded and followed without another moment's hesitation. Hux looked to be unusually on edge to her. He looked around every corner before proceeding. 

 

It was only after what felt like several minutes that she eased closer to him and asked, “Will you finally tell me what’s going on?”

 

“I couldn’t focus on Snoke’s teachings, so I opted to get the memory of you erased from my mind.”

 

“Why would you need to do that? What happened?”

 

He huffed. “You left.”

 

“What?” She nearly screamed in disbelief. That made no sense... “Why would I do that?”

 

“You tell me.” He said, clearly uncomfortable with the questions.

 

“I don’t know! I can’t even imagine-”

 

“You say that every time but that’s clearly not the case, is it?”

 

“Why are you acting like this? I can’t help whatever I did in the future!” Rey said, taken back by the bitterness in his voice.

 

“Then tell me where I went wrong!” He said, finally turning to face her.

 

Rey recoiled. “I don’t know! I  _ don’t know _ .” 

 

Hux shook his head. He was truly losing his mind. “I’m sorry. I just need you to follow me. Can you do that?”

 

She nodded slowly, but her eyes told him that he had worried her and she was not sure of her decision. As a means of regaining her trust, Hux held out his hand for her to take. She looked between his troubled face and hand twice before she slid her hand into his and held it tight.


	5. Kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, I don't have much to say except that I'm sorry for the wait. I haven't been feeling 100% for a veryy long time now and I think it's finally catching up to me. I would like to say that every story I have and will post will be finished. It's difficult for me to write most days, but I am determined to finish every single one. SO, just know that an update will be coming to everything that is not finished yet. In the meantime, I hope you guys enjoy this update :)  
> As always, a big thank you to my extraordinary beta Starshine-Galaxy always being so understanding and patient with me! And another thank you to everyone that's taken the time to read, comment, and/or leave a kudos on this story! I really do appreciate you guys!

Hux became aware of the loop after they returned to the door of his quarters the second time. There was no jump, not jolt, no significant pull to indicate that they had reached the limit of the memory and wouldn’t be allowed to go any further. It was sudden and seamless, easy even.

 

Despite his knowledge of this, he continued trekking on as though something would change. As though there was something he missed the first time and needed to try again. He was persistent, but Hux knew where there was no other option. Or so he thought.

 

He had been seeing Rey for over three years at that point. When she became restless, she would fidget. Her fingers would drum, her feet would tap, her mouth would produce a sound of exasperation every few seconds. Both her hands were encasing one of his and the nails on one hand were drumming on his wrist. She had questions, she had complaints, but was trying to tolerate it for him. She knew he was determined and she desperately wanted him to succeed. She had been fidgeting for a few minutes now. She was tired, but she remained quiet and followed him because she didn’t want to hurt him.

 

But that was not it. There was something more. What made her continue? What made her push through? Hux could only come up with one word, as dreaded as it was. The one place he thought he’d never visit again.

 

Love.

 

He had thought much on the subject but not to the degree that he was then. His mind always wondered if he could truly love Rey again after her betrayal. But this was different. Perhaps it had always been him, and not her. Their relationship was one that was not built to last, he knew that, but chose to ignore it, but was it her keeping them together this entire time? Was it her holding her tongue, blindly following him, that triggered her need to leave?

 

She loved him. She told him any chance she got. She smiled and gave nothing away of unhappiness. She often had a look of discouragement when his work kept him away for long, but that was it. Or was he simply blind to an illusion set up by Rey? Did he purposely not look further for fear that he would see that she was only playing along?

 

Rey chose then to let out a long sigh. “Do you have a plan?” Not questioning whether he saw the pattern. She knows he did. She knew he knew there was no escaping the loop set upon them and yet she continues to walk with him.

 

“No.” He mumbled.

 

She groaned and shook her hand free of his so she could rub her tired eyes. “Okay. Can we just sit down and think?”

 

“We don’t have-”

 

“We have all the time in the world, Hux!” She stopped walking knowing that he would not continue without her. “Please? You know we work better when we have a plan.”

 

Hux could find no reason to resist, so he reluctantly relented with a nod and followed her to the floor of The Finalizer.

 

Rey chewed on her bottom lip and fiddled with the ends of her ponytail as she mulled over the short answers he had given her during their walk. “So it’s a machine, like a memory erasing machine?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“And it’s coming to erase _me_?” She pointed to her chest.

 

“Correct.”

 

“And now you regret your choice, but can’t stop it?”

 

“Precisely.”

 

Rey blew air out her mouth and sagged against the wall. “What have you done, Hux?”

 

“I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought this would help me.”

 

Rey nodded but offered nothing else. Instead, she stared at the opposing wall. Was this what happened when she got fed up with his actions? Did she shut down? Did she rage? Did she cry? Was there still love for him in her heart or did she realize that it was something else entirely?

 

The thoughts that swirled in his head frightened him. What all had he missed? Hux asked into the unnerving silence,  “What do I do?”

 

Rey allowed his question to hang in the air between them longer than he would have liked. Finally, her eyes dropped to her lap and she shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t even know how to feel.”

 

Hux pressed his hands to his head, willing himself to reach deep and formulate a plan. They usually came easily to him, but it seemed his ability was failing to prove to be useful.

 

“Oh!” Rey suddenly perked up and turned her body to face him. “I have an idea! So, you said the machine is coming after your memories of me, right?” She didn’t wait for him to respond before she continued with a beaming smile. “Well, what if the way to escape is to put me somewhere I don’t belong!”

 

“I’ve tried that Rey.”

 

She shook her head. The smile on her lips had yet to falter. “No, you tried _running_ . What if you tried thinking of another place, like a base or a ship or something other than the _Finalizer_ ! The majority of our memories are on the _Finalizer_ , so what if you put us somewhere else?”

 

Put her somewhere she doesn’t belong. Place her in an entirely different memory where she did not exist and hide out until the morning. That was a sound idea. The only question that remained is where would they go? He would rather not relive the majority of his life, and he was not sure if he wanted Rey to witness the parts he would not mind reliving.

 

Rey tucked her legs under her and gripped his shoulder. “Hux, I need you to just think _really_ hard and maybe we can find somewhere to hide out until the morning when you wake up?”

 

“Alright, I will try.” Hux took a long look at her, just in case this all failed and she would fall victim to the procedure. Then, he closed his eyes. He thought back to a time before Rey, and then farther. His mind raced past the last battle with The Resistance, past his last days with Rey, back before his first major loss to The Resistance in the form of Starkiller Base. Hux could feel something begin to build and focused his energy on that. Something was coming to him. He could feel freezing wind brush against his cheeks, the weight over his greatcoat and the extra layer of clothing on his body.

 

“It’s working!” Rey squealed. “Keep focusing, okay?”

 

He squeezed his eyes tighter and tried to envision his surrounding. The snow covered mountains, the vibrant red and black First Order banners billowing behind him, the ‘troopers and pilots eagerly awaiting the first fire, Captain Phasma, and highly ranking officers proudly behind him.

 

Oh, no.

 

He opened his eyes and stared out into the sea of pilots and ‘troopers. This was the absolute last place he wanted to bring her.

 

Rey pressed herself closer to him. “Where are we-” She looked around and Hux could feel her begin to piece it all together. “Starkiller Base!?” She shrieked a moment later.

 

“It was the only place I could think of,” Hux said as he turned away from the edge of the stage and began trekking towards a door.

 

“Don’t you know anywhere else?” Rey asked, following closely behind.

 

“No, not really.”

 

“Are you trying to tell me you spent the majority of your life on some ship?”

 

“You already know this, Rey.”

 

A strong gust of wind took all of the anger she had in her. She moved closer to him and wrapped her arms around one of his, pressing herself close to him. “I appreciate the coat, but it’s hardly doing anything for me. How are you not cold?”

 

“I grew up on a cold planet in the Outer Rim Territories, I am used to it.” He said.

 

“Couldn’t you have just, I don’t know, thought us into the base instead of this?” Rey gestured towards the snow.

 

Hux knew how irritable Rey was when she was cold, and that she did not mean to be so harsh. He quietly opened the door of the entrance and withheld a chuckle when she ran inside.

 

“It looks just like one on The Finalizer,” Rey said as she looked around the meeting room.  “Do you remember? The day we negotiated the treaty with The Resistance?”

 

Oh yes, the treaty that was broken not even a month later by The Resistance. Rey had sat in his corner, well away from the action but on his side nonetheless, but said nothing to The Resistance. She would make suggestions to him via their bond, but no words fell from her mouth.

 

“We should be safe for the night here,” Hux said.

 

“You think so?” Rey genuinely looked worried.

 

“We can only hope.”

 

Rey sat in one of the chairs centered around the table, pulled her knees to her chest, and wrapped herself in her coat. Hux removed his hat and coat and placed them both over her. She lifted her head just long enough to tell him ‘thank you’, and he spent the next hour pacing the room while trying to think of another plan.

 

His concentration was broken by a feminine voice screeching, “ _See what happens when you get caught up in your own problems? He’s off the map!”_

 

_“My problems!? They’re yours too! I can’t believe you would do th-”_

 

 _“Now’s not the time, Alanna! It’s four hours until morning and you know it takes thirty minutes to clean! Can we just find the General and get through with this so he won’t wake up in the middle of an operation that should have been done_ hours _ago!?”_

 

Kriff.

 

“Rey!” Hux began shaking her awake.

 

She groaned and swatted at his hands until he stripped her of the coats and pulled her to her feet. Then, she leaned against him in support and murmured incoherently into his top.

 

Hux draped one of the coats around her shoulders as he said, “We have to keep moving. They know we’re hiding.”

 

“They?”

 

“The doctors that are doing the procedure.”

 

“I thought you said it was a machine,” Rey said, stifling a yawn shortly after.

 

“Yes, but there’s people here - I can hear them. They’re talking about us, but they can’t hear me. Before the procedure, I took a pill that would put me in a drug induced sleep for the night.”

 

“But you can hear _them_. Maybe if you tried, you could wake up, or open your eyes or something!”

 

“I will try, but for now we need to get somewhere safe because something tells me they have already located us.”

 

Rey nodded. “Okay, so I need you to think about a place they would never look. Like - I don’t know - somewhere that’s important to you.”

 

Hux closed his eyes.

 

“Hux-!”

 

“Rey?” His eyes shot open. Hux looked about the small room but found himself alone. “Kriffing hell!”

 

Hux sighed and buried his face in his hands. He should have known better than to think this was what was best for him. If he’d only given himself a bit more time...he wouldn’t be over Rey. From a professional standpoint, maybe to forget the horrendous breakup would have been beneficial to him, but now he was losing everything. He was smarter than this. Since when did he make such rookie mistakes?

 

He dropped his hands and reached deep within, pulling some unfavorable memories and pushing them out of the way. If he wanted to keep her safe, he knew the place they wouldn’t be able to pry her from. Taking one last deep breath, Hux put all of his focus into the memory. At first, he felt nothing. Then, slowly, he began to feel a change. His arms were bare. He felt the brush of his hair against his forehead. He opened his eyes and found himself having to crane his neck to see anything worthwhile.

 

He had done it. The Arkanis Academy, the place he spent the majority of his life in, was just how he remembered it. He was smaller now, taken back to when he was only six years old, gangly, sickly pale, and clumsy. Everything his father loathed, but that did not stop him from pushing him to become something and someone of importance.

 

A brief feeling of nostalgia filled him as the smell of an Arkanian pastry waffled past his nose. He closed his eyes and savored the moment. This was the closest thing to a home he had.

 

Someone whispered his name and Hux opened his eyes. In front of him stood a brown-haired, hazel-eyed girl he hadn’t remembered from his days at the Academy.

 

“I thought it was over!” She exclaimed as she threw her arms around his waist.

 

“Not yet,” Hux said, but he couldn’t help but stare at her. She was not only short, but also thin. Her hair was in three vertical buns atop her head, her kind, hazel eyes showing more green than brown, her mouth small and pink. Of course, he had no idea what she looked like as a child, but a large part of him told him that he had gotten as close as he could. He had to go off of what she had told him about herself, which was not much.

 

 _“Just think of...a smaller me. Just me, but everything smaller. And I was really skinny. I had only been with Unkar Putt for a little under a year, but everyday felt like 10 years because he refused to feed me if I didn’t meet a certain quota.”_ She told him one night. He recalled the way her eyes shined with frustrated tears that she never allowed to fall. She struggled so much with that part of her life and all she wanted was to bury it deep. But that particular night, she had drunk a little too much wine and her mind went to a place she never intended to.

 

Perhaps he was being a bit generous with her weight, but he could not bear to image a sickly thin, young girl. The mere thought turned his stomach.

 

When Rey noticed his staring, her nose wrinkled and she asked, “What?” Then a loud crash startled Rey and reminded Hux just why they were there.

 

“He is a weak, slip of a boy that will do me no good!” A male voice yelled.

 

“Do not speak of Armitage that way. He may not be a warrior but he is smart and resourceful. He will make us proud!” A woman countered. Deep disdain coated her words.

 

“He is not _your_ son. You have no claim to him! You are only a lowly kitchen hand.”

 

“I may be a kitchen hand, but at least I love my son and he will know that!”

 

“Not if I have anything to say about that!” There was a loud smack. that caused Rey to jump closer to Hux. He tucked her closer to his side almost absentmindedly. “Love is no good around here and I won’t have you putting worthless ideas about ‘love’ in his head! You have a mouth on you. You better hope my son did not inherit that from you or he will suffer the same fate you will!”

 

“That’s enough!” A different voice yelled. “Your visitors are waiting for you in your office. Your business here is done.” The person said in a much calmer, composed voice.

 

There was a deadly silence. Rey could _feel_ the challenge lingering in the air. A non-verbal dispute was taking place, and there could only be one victor in the end. Moments later, the telling sound of retreating footsteps caused her to release a breath she didn’t know she had been holding.

 

Curiosity got the best of Rey, and she peeked around Hux’s slender figure. She could just see a smidgen of blonde hair sprawled over the tiled floor. Hux did nothing to stop her from easing forward even more so than she did before. She watched as another woman helped her off the floor with what could be called a sympathetic smile if not for the grimace fighting to take over her features.

 

Unlike the blonde woman, who wore little more than a grey top and bottom along with a black apron, the other woman, the one who commanded Hux’s father to leave, wore a Galactic Empire uniform. She wore a ranking that, if Rey’s studying hadn’t failed her, read Grand Admiral. Her dark, curly hair had been pulled back into a tight ponytail. She stretched her plump lips into a tight smile - Hux’s smile - and asked the kitchen hand if she was okay. The woman nodded and dusted her clothing free of nonexistent dirt. Then, she pushed her long, blonde hair behind her shoulders, washed her hands, and slipped on oven mitts. She removed a pan from the oven and placed it on the counter, all the while sniffling and holding back tears.

 

She didn’t move from her position as she said, “He’s going to get rid of me soon, I can feel it.”

 

The Grand Admiral only looked at the kitchen hand with a sympathetic twist of the lips.

 

The other woman shook her head. “When the Commandant has his mind set to something, it gets done.” She stood up and met the other woman’s gaze with a weighty one of her own. “He hates that boy more than he hates The Rebellion, yet he refuses to let him go. I know that I am not in a place to ask anything of you, but if I could, I would ask that you would keep an eye on Armitage.”

 

The Grand Admiral said nothing for a while. Then, she nodded once and said, “I will do my best.”

 

“Thank you, Rae.”

 

Six-year-old Hux suddenly appeared in the doorway of the kitchen, visibly startling the women. They shared nervous glances before the kitchen hand gestured for Hux to join them.

 

She lowered herself to his height so she could wrap him into a tight hug. “Hi, Armitage.”

 

“Moth-”

 

She shushed him by pressing a hand to his mouth. “It’s not safe for you to call me that. My name is Vivian. Never forget that my name is Vivian.” She pressed a lingering kiss on his copper hair. Then she pulled away and stood to her full height. She wordlessly reached onto the plate and handed a treat to Hux, followed by a glass of water. Hux quickly downed the treat. She sunk to his height once more. “No matter what happens, I want you to work hard and never give up on what you want.”

 

“I won’t.” He said, pretending to be none the wiser, but a sickening feeling was turning his stomach upside down.

 

“And listen to your superiors.” She added with a mirthless smile.  Hux nodded. “You will do so many great things, Armitage. You will amount to something. You will make me proud and your father regret never believing in you.”

 

Rae had turned her back to the intimate moment, not giving away her feelings on the matter.

 

Vivian pressed another kiss to his copper hair before standing to her full height. “I have to load up the food droid for our Commandant’s meeting. Out of the kitchen.” She playfully swatted at him with a dishtowel.

 

He returned to Rey with glassy green eyes. She tried to think of something, anything to say, but her words escaped her. He grabbed her hand and began walking without a single word. She followed, but not without taking another look at the women in the kitchen, her heart in her throat. Vivan had her hands pressed into the countertops, and Rae stood by her side with that same sympathetic expression, but there was an element of hopelessness in her eyes.

 

They walked through an archway and into a small room, rectangular. Armitage’s bedroom. There was little more to it than a wire framed bed, closet, and a refresher. Galactic Empire propaganda lined the walls, always reminding Hux of what was expected of him.

 

Hux closed and locked the door behind them before he settled onto his childhood bed. Rey followed, leaving space between them. She took him in, with his boyish body, the slight fullness in his cheeks, his shortened height, the overall softness in his features letting her know the academy hadn’t taken the boy and molded him into what would become General Hux just yet. This boy still had compassion, he still displayed his feelings freely and was vulnerable.

 

“That was the last time I saw her.” Hux finally said after a stretch of long silence. “Commandant Hux sent her away. That same day, he finally enrolled me in the academy and spent the next twenty years pushing me to be the best. I succeeded in everything but physical combat. He accepted that, eventually. He became proud of me and my accomplishments, but I never stopped thinking of her. No matter how much he attempted to drain the memory of my mother from my head, she never left.”

 

Rey tentatively reached out and took his hand in hers. He allowed it, but not without a flinch. “She’ll still be here when I’m gone,” Rey said.

 

“You’re not going anywhere, Rey.”

 

She just mustered a smile and said, “Do you think we’re safe here?”

 

“I do.” He said with a certainty that gave her hope.

 

“Well then, I am really tired so,” She crawled to the top of the bed and laid her head on the sole pillow there.

 

Hux followed her suit and laid down, facing her. He placed a hand on her arm and just looked at her, tracing the lines of her face with his eyes. He found that she wasn’t much different than the Rey he knew. She was much smaller and thinner, but there was still gentleness and kindness in her gaze. She had been on Jakku for five years at that point, had been starved and hurt more than a child should, but you could see her light from light years away. She was hopeful.

 

“Tell me more about the academy.” She said, and he knew it was more for his benefit than hers.

 

“What do you want to know?”

 

Rey laughed and shrugged a shoulder. “I don’t know! Did you have any friends?”

 

Hux said a beat later. “No, not really.”

 

“Then, tell me about your day to day life.”

 

“Alright, the day always started at six o'clock…” He continued on, well past the moment Rey finally succumbed to the desire to sleep and there hadn’t been a moment he had felt so free before then. He had always suppressed the memories, thinking of them as days that were hardly worth remembering, but he found more of himself there than he did at The Finalizer. That was where he became General Hux, the fearless and ruthless First Order leader. Perhaps what he felt before was of faux fondness, such as one would feel towards an old friend that would fit better being called an enemy. Once he felt himself grow tired and his throat dry, he laid listening to the sound of the never ending rain pouring from the heavens until he fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

 

When Hux opened his eyes, he was staring at the back of her head.

 

“You’re finally awake.” She murmured as she turned over. This was not the Rey he fell asleep with. No, this was twenty-something year old Rey, with her filled out body and youthful glow. He also realized he was no longer a child himself.

 

“How did you know?” He asked.

 

“You moved. You never move in your sleep.” She laughed, making him smile. “You sleep like a rock.”

 

“Academy training.”

 

She hummed as she moved closer until her nose just barely brushed against his. His arm slid around her waist and they just gazed at each other.

 

“This is the first time we’ve woken up together.” She said as a matter of fact, gingerly smoothing her fingertips along his cheek.

 

He nodded once. She pressed her body against his and he met her in a lingering kiss. It felt just like it did the first time: giddy and warm. He felt emotions he had thought to be lost to him then. They were passing milestones now. Just how far were they intending to go with this? Rey broke away from the kiss and moved his hair from his eyes.

 

“Thank you for letting me stay.” She lowered herself to bury her face in his neck. “I never want to leave.” she sighed in content.

 

He ran a hand over her back as his mind raced. Before he had come to what he felt was a sound conclusion, he heard himself say, “What would you say if I asked you to move in with me?”

 

She stiffened. Hux began to worry he had taken things too far when she sat up. Her beaming grin was enough to calm his nerves. “Really?!” She asked.

 

Hux’s lips took on a smile of their own. “Yes, I have more than enough space.”

 

She squealed as she nodded. “Yes! Thank you! This is the best thing ever.”

 

He joined her in laughter as she straddled him and wrapped her arms around him. “You make me so happy.”

 

“As do you.”

 

Her heart leapt in her chest, and with that, she lovingly pressed her lips to his, laughing into the kiss.

 

_“You only think about yourself!”_

 

Rey pulled back immediately and sat up to look about the room. “What was that?”

 

_“You should be happy that I fixed the damn thing! We were going off course!”_

 

“Off course,” Hux whispered to himself. He sat up and Rey moved back onto the mattress. She watched him whisper to himself in curiosity and confusion. What was he going on about?

 

Hux’s voice grew loud enough for her to decipher his words once more as he said, “Off course, off course...Rey!”

 

“What?!” She jumped, pressing a hand over her racing heart.

 

“We have to go, right now.”


	6. Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Finals are finally done and I'm freee :D Also, sorry in advance for any formatting issues, my computer died on me so I've been editing on mobile. We're winding down to the end! I hope you enjoy:) Have a good day!  
> Extraaa special thank you to my lovely beta Starshine-Galaxy over on Tumblr for your help!!

Hearing was the first sense that returned to Hux. There was a high-pitched buzzing noise, similar to one he had once heard when he had been too close to a ship as it jumped into hyperdrive. The sound rose steadily in volume and clarity until he could decipher it. Somewhere to the right of him, there was a machine beeping at an even rate, and he could hear two women arguing near the foot of his bed. The darkness impairing his vision could only be deciphered as a mesh of dulled color.

He knew that dark pattern anywhere. It was the ceiling in his quarters. Hux willed the haziness of his vision to clear. Something was happening, and he wasn’t going to give up easily.

“I can only tell you so much, Alanna. I’m sorry, but it’s not my place.” One of the voices said.

“You can only tell me so much?!” The other shrieked incredulously.

“It was part of the agreement I had to sign, just in case. It will help no one if I tell you any more than I already have. Dr. Hilkson has to take care of that. I’m sorry, Alanna, but the document was sealed a long time ago.”

“I can’t believe this.” Alanna whimpered and fell onto the bed somewhere near Hux’s feet.

“I’m sorry. I know this must be hard for-.” Footsteps edged closer to him. In a surprisingly monotonous tone, Dr. Kournal said, “His eyes are open.” Hux couldn’t say a word, couldn’t even move. He could only stare at her blankly.

“We have an extra dose of the drug in our case. I would get it but I...Lin, I can’t wrap my head around this. I just don’t understand. Why?”

Dr. Kournal disappeared from his view, later returning with a large syringe. Hux became frantic, trying desperately to move his lips or hands or anything. Instead, he watched helplessly as she lifted his limp arm and inserted the needle into it. The bright blue liquid was pushed into his veins, and it wasted no time to pulling him back into his drug induced slumber.

“It would be best if you took a break. Go to your quarters, take a power nap, and come back in an hour to help me pack?”

 

* * *

 

  
Rey jumped into his vision the moment Hux opened his eyes, her hands clutching one of his to her chest like a lifeline. “Well?”

“I could see, but I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t even blink.” Hux sat up on his bed, for once hating the sight of his former quarters. “I was given another dose of the medication. Considering the amount of time it took for the effects of the first dose to wear off, it is likely that I will not awaken until morning.”

Rey sagged against the headboard, letting their hands fall to her lap. She closed her eyes as bitter, hateful thoughts flitted through her mind. He doesn’t deserve the hateful words resting on her tongue, he doesn’t-

“What do I do?” Hux asked, his voice small and meek.

She ground her teeth together and swallowed her insults. Otherwise, she remained still and quiet. Too quiet for anything good to come of it. Hux knew she was disgusted with him though she tried to hide it. He noticed more of her than he ever had before.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Hux watching Rey while she fiddled with her hands. He knew time was running out, that he needed to do something if he wanted the memory of her to stay, but nothing came to mind. There was nothing he could do. The realization left him feeling ill.

His thoughts were broken suddenly by the feeling of Rey linking her arm with his and laying her head on his shoulder. “Maybe it’s for the best, Hux.” She said with an exasperated sigh. “You said I was stopping you from achieving your goals. Now you have the chance to move on without any interference from me.”

Hux pressed a kiss atop her head before he rested his there. “I’m not ready to lose you yet. I’ve found that I’m losing more than I bargained for. You taught me much more than I realized.”

“And what’s that?” Rey asked after realizing he was waiting on the ‘okay’ to continue.

“How to be happy. How to smile, that I won’t die if I take break from work.” That pulled a giggle from Rey. Hux laughed sharply before continuing, “You taught me how to love, and along with that you gave me the ability to be compassionate.”

Rey tilted her head and met his eyes, a small smile growing on her lips. “You were always compassionate, whether you knew it or not. I only helped draw that out of you.”

Hux turned his head and looked at her, really looked at her. Her brown hair had been woven into an intricate braid and hung over her left shoulder, her skin was paler than he had ever seen from lack of contact with any suns, freckles decorated her skin, her eyes hazel and warm and her lips pink and chapped. The radiance of her spirit shone through her features. She was beautiful.

“I never thought I’d see you again.” Hux blurted. Rey’s warm smile turned wooden, her eyes filled with panic and confusion. Hux could practically hear the questions running through her mind. He swallowed the lump in his throat and soldiered past the burning urge to cry. “I always thought you were waiting on the right moment to leave. You had proved me otherwise, right up until the last moment.”

Rey grimaced, both dreading and craving the answer to the question she knew she had. She searched his eyes for an answer, but he gave none. Her stomach dropped, and she had to steel herself as she asked, “What happened?”

“The Resistance staged an attack on The First Order. It was a ten hour battle that ended in you joining The Resistance-” Hux took several deep breaths, but he could not stop his unshed tears from blurring his vision. “You left me for dead.”

Rey jerked away and he allowed her the space. She looked at him with wide, disbelieving eyes. “What?! But I would never do that! I-” Her mouth went dry. The loud thump of her heartbeat filled her ears as it quickened. She shook her head. “I don’t believe you.”

Hux desperately wished it wasn't true. He wished this was only a horrible dream and he'd wake up to Rey peacefully sleeping beside him on The Finalizer. “It felt as though you took everything I had when you left. I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to be myself again until I received a message from the medbay. They had finally perfected the machine that we had been working on for years. Like I said, I thought over my options for months before I decided to do this. It just seemed like the only way I would be able to focus and properly run the First Order, was if I could get rid of the memory of you.”

He took a deep breath. “I feel as though I have made a terrible mistake. But that doesn’t matter now, does it?” Hux laughed sharply, startling Rey. “You and this-” He gestured about them. “- will be gone soon and I won’t even know what I had.”

Rey scrambled from the bed as though it were on fire. “Please tell me you’re lying. I would never do this to you - you would never do this to me!” She backed further away from him. “Hux, please tell me you’re lying.”

Hux ground his teeth together until he felt a warning twinge in his jaw. He wanted to lock it all away, not allow himself to feel it any longer. But no matter how much he tried to push it away, the pain, the longing, the insecurity, the feelings remained in the forefront of his mind. He tried so hard to protect himself, but he was only hurting her in the process. This wasn’t what he wanted. As much as he told himself, as much hatred that coursed through him at the mere mention of her name, he knew he had never wanted to forget. Now, he had no choice. Hux unlocked his jaw to take a deep breath and found himself speaking.

“It hurt every single day. I thought I could handle it. I thought I could lock it away and deal with it in private, but the pain of losing you…” Hux’s voice faltered as tears finally spilled down his cheeks. “I can’t live with that. I can’t hide it away, Rey, I just can’t.”

Immediately Rey rushed to him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, holding him tight. She sunk down onto the bed, pulling him close to cradle his head to her chest. Hux’s sobs were piercing, broken up by hiccups and gasps for air as he tried in vain to control it. Neither moved as decades worth of pain rolled off of him like waves. It came to a finish many minutes later, when Hux cried all the tears he could bear to and he forced himself quiet. It was then that he was wholly reminded how safe he felt tucked in her arms. Her body was warm and soft beneath him. Her heart beat calmly in his ear, corresponding with the gentle rise and fall of her chest. He felt her press a kiss to his forehead and he closed his eyes to savor the moment in contentment.

All at once, the world seemed to still. Nothing else mattered outside of Rey’s arms around him, blanketing him in her affection. If he had ever known peace, this was it.

The moment was broken all too soon as Rey stiffened, jolting Hux. He heard it before he could open his eyes. Hairline cracks had begun making their way up the walls and across the ceiling of his quarters. The flooring underneath the bed buckled, sending them tumbling to the left.

Their time was up.

Hux curled his arms around Rey’s waist with a defiant shake of the head. “No, no, this can’t still be happening.”

“Hux, look at me.” She framed his face with her hands and stared into his green eyes as she said, “Listen to me. You can’t go back and change your decision. You can’t run, you can’t hide. We’ve tried everything and nothing has worked. It’s over. ” Rey wiped away his lingering tears with her thumbs as her voice quivered. “All you have to do - all you can do - is enjoy the memories you have left. And when you wake up, you start a new life. You’ll reach new goals and rise in rank and favor and you’ll make me so proud. Even if I can’t tell you, I’ll be so proud of you.”

The walls began collapsing around them, gunmetal walls bending and groaning, the hallways falling away to reveal darkness, but he wasn’t ready to lose this Rey yet. Whichever version of her that showed up next wouldn’t know the situation, she wouldn’t understand.

“Rey-” She shook her head, immediately silencing him, before pressing her forehead against his.

“You will be alright, Hux. I know you, you never forget anything, even if it’s a faint whisper in the back of your mind. So, I’ll always be there waiting for you to remember.” Rey smiled at him, heartfelt, and pressed her lips against his in a feverish kiss as her fingers carded through his hair. His arms curled around her back instantly and pulled her into his lap. He tried to commit to his memory, the weight of her in his arms, the soft sounds she made when he ran his dull nails down her back so his hands could grab her narrow hips, the feeling of her chest against his and strands of her brown hair tickling his chin and then...nothing.

When she disappeared, Hux couldn’t help the heavy sob that escaped him. Another memory lost.


	7. Comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hii guys! Happy Mother's Day to all you wonderful mommas out there :) I was going to wait until daylight here to post this, but instead I said 'what the heck! It's daylight somewhere!' so here it is. I had loads of fun trying new things for this chapter so I hope you enjoy it! Thank you so much for your continued love and support. I really appreciate it :)  
> Extra love to my beta Starshine-Galaxy on Tumblr for helping me! She's seriously an angel :D
> 
> *Slight Warning: This chapter contains brief scenes of sexual situations and brief mentions of nudity*

Hux knew it was nearing the end somehow. Things felt different this time. He felt different.

He supposed it was time to stop resisting and allow the change to happen. He made his choice, and now it was time to see it through. However, there was just one more thing he wanted to do.

Closing his eyes, Hux thought of the memories that he had ignored once. Their relationship growth was slow and clumsy. They both fought so long against what they truly wanted due to what they had been taught: The Resistance and The First Order were mortal enemies. And intellectual as they were, their conversations always turned into arguments because of it. The relationship brewing between them seemed contemptuous, but they both knew very well that it wasn’t.

As Hux watched these moments, a mere witness to his own memories, he realized just how much he had, unknowingly, taken so much of their time for granted.

Finally, time seemed to slow as his mind stuck to one particular memory. He felt a rough tug and instantaneously knew he was back in his quarters on The Finalizer. When he opened his eyes, he found himself standing outside of the door to the refresher.

He pressed a button on the keypad beside the door and it slid open with a faint hiss. Though he rarely used it, as he was a man of urgency, he allowed himself the luxury of a tub to soak in after a particularly challenging day. Rey was little more than a brown bun over the rim of the tub, the only spot of color in the otherwise white and tan bathroom. She looked up from the sparkling water and greeted him with a withering smile as he entered. 

His thumb and index finger grasped her chin and tilted her head so he could kiss her forehead as he knelt down. “How are you feeling today?” Hux asked her, dropping to one knee beside the tub. When he moved to brush wet strands of hair away from her cheeks, Rey flinched away. Hux pulled his hand back as though he had harmed her. It was then he finally noticed the light pink tint to her face.

“I’m fine,” She answered gruffly, quickly turning her face away from the intense gaze he leveled at her. Hux hummed in response. He didn’t buy it. Not for one second. She focused on the water instead, watching it flow through her fingers as she ran her hands back and forth just under the surface. “How was your day?”

“Busy.” He answered in a clipped tone.

It was her time to hum in acknowledgement. “Nothing interesting happen?”

“You tell me.”

Rey fell silent. She stopped all movement, and her eyes rose to his chest but no further. He could see then that whatever she was keeping from him was nothing that was to be taken lightly. However, it couldn’t have been anything too bad or else she would have told him. Thoughts of what it could be roared so loud in his ears that he barely heard Rey when she finally spoke.

“Just a little homesick, I guess,” She said, her voice was small, meek. 

Hux felt his heart seize in his chest.  _ Home _ sick. He released a breath he had unknowingly been holding. She was homesick. Rey could have said she missed The Resistance or even she preferred The Resistance and both would have hurt less than hearing her say she was  _ homesick _ . Careful to keep his voice free of the fear and anger he felt rising within him, Hux asked, “Care to elaborate?”

Her silence answered his question. She didn't want to upset him. He had done so much to make her feel welcomed and happy, yet she still missed the jovial atmosphere of The Resistance. And a large part of her knew - wished - she wouldn't. Hux filled a void within her that no other had been able to. She felt more complete in his presence, but there was still something clawing at her. Something refusing to allow her peace.

Rey didn’t realize she had begun crying again until Hux’s thumb brushed away one of her tears. “I’m sorry,” She whimpered before sobs wracked her body.

He wrapped his arms around her damp, bare shoulders to pull her close to him. She gripped his arm in both of her hands as though he’d change his mind any moment.“There is nothing to apologize about. I can not imagine how hard this is for you.”

“I just want to be happy and I’m happy with you. No one -  _ nothing  _ \- makes me happier than you.”

“But...?”

“Nothing. But, nothing. I don't care what's best for anyone else. Only for myself. Only for us. And I’m staying here, with you. That's what's best. This is where I belong. This is-” She fell silent as Hux shushed her. Rey didn’t speak, but he could feel her shuddering breaths while she tried to hold back her tears. In turn, he pressed a kiss to her temple and tightened his hold on her.

“I wish this wasn't so hard.” Rey said once she felt her heart slow to a steady pace. She tried to suppress a shiver as the cold air caressed her damp skin. The edge of the bathtub was pressing against her ribs and Hux’s back and knee had to be screaming in protest, but she had never felt more loved and protected. “I’m sorry you have to deal with me while I’m like this.”

“It is a small price to pay for being with you.” He took her face in his hands, “I would rather take you like this than not have you at all. You are worth this. You are worth all of the stars, all the moons and suns and planets in the galaxy.”

Rey leaned closer to him. “I could never deserve you.” She whispered against his lips before kissing him soundly.

Hux reluctantly pulled away moments later and helped her out of the bathtub. Rey held the ends of her towel as she crossed her legs and crowded atop the closed lid of the toilet. When Hux glanced at her, a single eyebrow raised in question, she gestured for him to continue removing his clothes with a small smile.

Hux barely stifled a chuckle. He removed his uniform carefully, folding and laying each piece on the counter that was mounted beside the water-based shower.

“Does it take you this long to take your clothes off every night?” Rey’s muffled voice broke through the comfortable silence. He looked over his shoulder at her, a smile making its way onto his face. The tan towel covered all but her eyes and hair.

“Yes, it does.”

Rey made a sound in her throat, and he watched her eyes follow him as he removed his undergarments. When Hux stood bare in front of her, she finally turned her eyes back onto his face. He was sure she silently snickered under that towel once she took notice of how pink his face and chest had turned. He shifted from foot to foot, unsure of what he was waiting on.

“I love your smile.” She finally mused.

Hux broke into a loud, incredulous laugh. “I am not wearing a stitch of clothing and the first thing you comment on is my smile?”

Rey’s eyes then began a downward venture and Hux practically darted for the shower. Her laughter followed him even after he closed the door.

He bathed quickly, occasionally stealing glances at the tan blob that was Rey. Apparently, he was not quick enough.

“Hurry up.” Rey whined after only a few minutes.

“I am trying, Rey.” Hux turned to the stream of water to wash the soap out of his hair. He repeated himself after she failed to respond. He turned to peer around the frosted walls and saw nothing where Rey once was.

“No!” Pushing his wet hair back from his face, Hux threw the door open and rushed out. He was alone. Hux cursed and dropped onto the toilet lid in defeat. All he wanted was to relive some chosen moments before they were ripped away from him and he wasn’t even allowed that.

Next time. Next time, he wouldn’t allow this to happen. This was  _ his  _ mind. Things would end when he wanted them to. With that thought, Hux closed his eyes.

* * *

 

He heard Rey’s joyous laughter before he had the chance to open his eyes.

She emerged from his closet wearing parts of his uniform. His greatcoat was draped over her bare shoulders, his cap thrown over her head. He remembered how much he wanted to scold her for touching his carefully pressed uniform, one of his very few prized possessions, but then he saw the absolute joy in her eyes and pushed the urge away in favor of laughing along with her. In that moment, he had only wanted to be happy.

And so, she marched about the room with the worst form he had ever witnessed, her hands tucked behind her back. The coat swallowed her body, but it every so often it would slip open and allow him a peak of her nude form underneath. Rey approached him at the bed, stone-faced and stiff.

She peered at him and nodded once. “General.”

“General,” He smiled.

Her stony expression cracked in a matter of seconds. A smile lit up her face as she stamped her foot and cried out, “I almost had it! How do you do that?”

“Years and years of training.” He smirked and eased closer to her. “However, I have noticed one problem.”

“And what is that?” She giggled while his hands slipped between the undone buttons of the coat.

“I have a weakness for scavenger girls from Jakku.” Her breath caught in her throat as he touched her waist. The playful air around them now crackled with electricity. Hux kept his eyes on Rey’s as he added, “Specifically the ones named Rey.”

His hands continued their journey around her lithe waist, causing a shiver to run through her. His fingers pressed against her spine to pull her closer to him.

“That’s oddly specific.” Rey breathed as she placed one knee on the mattress, slowly closing the gap between them.

“I only want for a specific girl.” Hux’s hands ran up the length of her torso, ghosted over her chest before curling around her shoulders.

“And she only wants you.” Rey hungrily pressed her lips to his. Hux pushed his greatcoat from her shoulders. He barely registered that it had tumbled from the bed and onto the floor as Rey practically climbed into his lap.

Something told Hux that he should visit the rest of the memories before they were gone, but he allowed this one to play out the way it had then. Afterwards, he was sure to hold her tighter than he had before while she slept in his arms. He pushed her curled, damp hair away from her forehead and pressed a copious amount of kisses there. She slept so peacefully, a soft smile on her pink lips and her body free of any tensions. Years of surviving on Jakku left her unable to relax for even one misstep could have left her robbed or worse. He remembered this as being one of the few times she allowed herself to fall into a deep sleep.

The longer Hux laid there, the more he realized that he couldn’t bare to allow the machine to tear this memory away from him. He had to leave on his own.

Hux untangled himself from Rey, quickly placing a pillow in her arms so she would not notice right away that he was gone. He retrieved his greatcoat from the floor and hung it in his closet. He took a moment to look around his quarters, trying to remember how to it looked with the bits of Rey lying around. Her retractable staff on the bedside table, right next to her personal datapad. Her cloak, which she wore when she felt cold, slung over the back of the couch. Her shoes lined up next to his in the closet. Hux always kept a packet of those Corellian hard candies Rey loved on the caf table. The scented soaps and creams Rey loved lined up next to his regulation toiletries. He dressed himself in uniform, styled his hair, and spared one last look at the girl he loved more than anything he had ever possessed in his life. He had once thought Starkiller Base was his greatest accomplishment, but he had since then recanted that. No, his greatest accomplishment was being loved by Rey, of The Resistance.

Hux closed and locked his quarter’s door behind himself. He fell against the door and pressed his eyes closed to stop the barrage of tears from falling down his cheeks.

“Why are you doing this to yourself?” Rey asked sympathetically as she placed a hand on his shoulder. “I want better for you than this.”

Hux turned to face her. “I know.” He said, his voice cracking as tears began clouding his vision. “I wish you stayed.”

Rey wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him close. “I wish I’d stayed too. Maybe things would be different.” She whispered, as though she were too afraid to say the words above a hushed voice.

For a moment, they stood in each other’s embrace silently fighting to hold back tears they knew should fall. Hux’s fingers tangled in the hairs at the base of her neck, his nose brushed against her jaw and everything felt right for once.

Rey had to gather the will to separate them. The moment his hands fell to his sides, she struggled to stay where she was and not rush back to him. “But it’s too late for that. I didn’t stay, and now, it’s time.”

He nodded stiffly.

“Promise me you won’t go back.”

For a long while, he tried to agree, but he couldn’t. He didn’t want to. There was so much he hadn’t seen, hadn’t said. So many memories he would never be able to recall on a whim.

‘It would be as though she never existed’, Dr. Hilkson said to him during one of the various meetings they held on the matter. He remembered throwing dozens of questions at the older man and being answered with ease. The procedure was permanent. At that moment, there was no way to stop the procedure safely. It had been performed on over a dozen stormtroopers to erase everything from people to certain battles that left them mentally scarred. When a person is removed from a memory that contains others, the subject would remember loitering around or continuing the task they were performing before being interrupted. Since the majority of their memories were made in private, Hux’s memories may experience gaps at first. There was no need to worry though, his mind would most likely fill those gaps with ease. No data could be provided as to what the procedure felt like, as all subjects instantaneously forgot at the conclusion.

“Hux,” Rey’s voice was soft as she joined him and ran a gentle hand along the length of his back. “We’ll see each other again. Besides, you have greater things waiting for you when the night is over.”

Her hands fell to his and she attempted to pull him down the hallway. “This will be easier if you just accept that this is happening and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

When he refused to follow, Rey dropped his hands with a poorly disguised huff. Her jaw ticked before she forced a smile and asked, “What is it?”

“What if I hurt you? What if I truly don’t remember, and I hurt you?”

She couldn’t say that he wouldn't. They both knew that was the farthest thing from the truth, given the circumstances. So, she said nothing at all and instead began to lead him down the corridor. This time, he followed without resistance.

“It’s almost over.” He shuffled alongside, his gaze trained on her. She moved as though they were taking a casual stroll, a soft, content smile playing on her lips as she allowed herself to bump into him every step. One of her hands laced with his while the other rested on his bicep. She laid her head on his shoulder as she sighed and said, “Don’t worry, everything’s going to be okay.”

For a moment, Hux allowed himself to believe her.

 


	8. Touch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since I've written for this story. I hope I did it justice x  
> Per usual, special thanks to Starshine-Galaxy, my beta, for enduring the countless versions of this chapter and helping me edit each and every one. I couldn't have done it without you.

Hux wasn’t stalling. He was simply taking his time, allowing himself time to prepare for what loomed behind the door. He told himself this as many times as he removed his finger from the reader just before the final lock slid out of place. Hux pulled the leather glove back onto his hand for the fifth time and sighed in disappointment.

Hux gripped the door frame, closed his eyes and began taking slow, deep breaths. All he had to do was unlock the door, talk to her, and leave. It was simple. It was all he had wanted for so long. All he had wanted, he thought bitterly. But then, he saw that wide smile of hers and he felt her body pressed against his and...things changed for him. 

He could only hear the pounding of his heart no matter how much he tried to calm himself down. He did not want to face her. He wanted to return to the depths of his mind where he knew somewhere, Rey was hiding, waiting for him. But no matter how hard he tried, he always ended up back here, in front of the black door, a glove in one hand while the other dangled a finger just a hair’s breadth away from the reader.

So he had to do it. He had to finish what he had started. 

Hux opened his eyes and focused them on his trembling hand. Before he could stop himself, he ripped the glove from his hand and pressed his finger to the reader. Every creak and groan of the locks giving way instilled a strong sense of dread within him. He was wrong. He was not ready for this. He snatched his hand back, cradling it as though he had been burned, but it was too late. The door rose and he was momentarily blinded by the stark white of the room.

He found Rey sitting on a pallet that had been pushed against the opposing wall. There was grime marking her pale skin. Her chapped, pink lips held a deep frown. Her hair hung just above her shoulders, much shorter than he had grown accustomed to. She was not looking at him, but past him. At the door. There was a certain hostility about her that he hadn’t felt in years. He glanced at the binders encircling her wrists and ankle, grim reminders of their circumstances at the time. He chose then to remain just an inch inside the door. Though she was restrained to the bed, there was little doubt in Hux’s mind that she could harm him if he stepped too close.

All he could do was look at her. He had thought so long, crafted a speech of all he had wanted to say, but none of it all mattered. Despite the uncleanliness and apparent disdain for his presence, she was still his Rey. She was still the woman he fell in love with and the woman that would fall in love with him. If only she knew that. It would make all that he was about to say so much easier. 

“What do you want?” Rey said. Her voice was not strong and fierce as he expected, but rather tired. She was so tired. He could see it in her though she tried so hard to hide it.

“What I have to say, you may not like. Or understand. But I must say it.”

He waited for a moment, for anything. She sighed, well aware that she ultimately had no choice other than to sit and listen. Her clear disinterest made it all the more difficult and Hux had to tuck his hands behind his back to stop himself from wringing them in his nervousness.

“The previous night, I opted to have the memories of you erased. I was not aware of how much I would come to regret my decision until the procedure began and I was reminded of all of the time we spent together. I made multiple attempts to stop the procedure, yet I was unsuccessful. This is the last memory I have of you and me.”

Rey stared at him, her brows drawn together and jaw slack. Hux held her gaze, waiting. The silence pressed on before she blurted out, “What are you on about?”

His hands rose in defense. He desperately wanted to make sense to her. He just needed the chance.“I will take my leave in a moment, but...may I say something to you first?”

She shook her head and looked away with a deep sigh. Hux supposed this was the most he would get out of her and continued.

“I went through with the procedure because...I spent months developing this project. I oversaw the production, I was present for every test run, I did everything right. Yet, I could not see that this was not what I should have been doing. I should have commed you when you asked. I should have given you the chance to explain your actions. I understand now that this was more than me. You did what you had to do.”

She tilted her head his way, but still held herself with a certain stiffness. But to him, it was an opening. She was curious.

As he spoke, he moved farther from the entrance and closer to her. “I held so much disdain for you in my heart for far too long. I tried to make you accept my world, full of destruction and violence, without any concern for how that may affect you. I have no right to be upset that you left. You belonged to The Resistance and I, to The First Order. I knew this sooner, but I…” His voice died suddenly, leaving him with nothing.

He had made it to the pallet, just outside of arm's reach for her. Their eyes hadn’t left each other since he’d begun to speak. Hers were blown wide in fear, but there was more. Something deeper. When she did not shrink away from him, he drew closer to her until he was only a breath away. He pressed his forehead against hers, his eyes closed as he took in the familiar, comforting feeling of her presence. “I loved you too much to let you go.” He felt her take in a breath, heard the metallic clinking of the binders and sensed as if she were closing the gap between them. 

And then she wrenched away. Tucked herself as far away from him as she could. Her body was heaving as she barked, “Go, now.”

He murmured her name as he reached a hand out to her, desperate to just hold her one last time.

“Don’t touch me!” Rey shrieked. 

He recoiled, and by the expression in his eyes, she knew she had wounded him. As Hux looked at her, he was reminded that she was but a version of who she was before she really knew him. She did not love him. She did not understand what they shared. He could expend his breath and time throwing memories of that nature at her in hopes that she remembers, but it is of no use. Rey doesn’t know who he is behind his title. She doesn’t know the affection he holds for her in his heart or the words he could utter to her.

So instead, he just looked at her. Even just the sight of her set his heart beating wildly in his chest and his stomach in knots. His mind was in turmoil, his thoughts blaring in his ears. And to his surprise, she looked back. She held his gaze once again.

“Please,” She said softly, begging for solitude.

This was not supposed to be as difficult as it was. He wanted terribly to take her up in his arms and kiss her, but she would not allow that, and he would not allow himself to press his advantage. 

He has to go. He knows he must. He should. But he can’t leave without this. He shifted closer and she moved back. He stilled. Watching her watching him. He noticed her rapidly rising chest, the fear in her eyes. He just needed to feel the comfort of her touch one last time. 

He raised a hand, slowly, mindful to keep it in her view, and gently took up her hand in one of his own. She winced the moment his fingers brushed hers and then her palm. He waited until her eyes connected with his once again before he covered her hand with the warmth of his other. 

His eyes studied every curve and angle of her lovely face, every freckle, before coming to rest on her eyes. He had forgotten himself, as he often did when he looked at her so. Hux leaned in close and she released a slow, unsteady breath. His eyes flickering from hers to her lips and back again. And then in an instant, remembering who he was and who she was not yet, his heart sank to his stomach, and he drew back. 

“I hope you forgive me one day.”

He stood and every step he took away from her felt like weights were strapped to his feet. But he couldn’t leave without seeing her once more. When he looked over his shoulder, he found her sitting with her back to him. He willed himself to turn away, and opening the door, he stepped into the hall and it closed behind him. Without looking back this time, he knew that Rey had disappeared.

Hux was truly alone.

The Finalizer felt colder than usual. As he carried himself through the hallways, his fingers brushing against the durasteel as he went, he felt the procedure begin its last stage. Rey was slipping away. The warmth he felt around her was the first to go, then the feeling of her skin, the way their bodies fit one another, the sound of her bare feet against the floors in his quarters, the way her fingers curled around his neck when they kissed, the weight of her against his leg when she sat at his foot while he worked, the silky texture of her hair brushing against him. She felt like a stranger after that.

Hux’s vision began to swim. The lights were too bright. He had to stop and press his palms into his eyes. An incessant ringing began in his left ear and traveled until it was all he could hear. It overtook his thoughts. 

The color of her eyes evaded him, the soft curve of her button-like nose, her pouty lips, the slight pink tinge to her cheeks left her without distinguishable features. He couldn’t remember what her laughter sounded like or what her smile looked like.

What was her name?

Hux was forced to his knees by the sheer intensity of it all. Just over the ringing, he could hear himself fighting to steady his breathing to no avail. He closed his eyes even tighter than before and begged for an end.

Then it did. The high pitched ringing died suddenly. Hux fell to the floor, filled with sheer exhaustion. He was then greeted with the image of a brunette girl smiling at him. He saw her more and more, each vision flickering out and dying like a star reaching the end of its life. When she was angry, she was a force to be reckoned with, but when she was happy, her laugh alone was infectious and could instill hope even in the hopeless.

“I love you.” She said to him in one particular vision, her brown hair splayed over his chest and her hand intertwined with his. She tilted her head back to look at him and smiled, wide and endearing. And he believed her, whoever she may be. With everything in him, he believed her words.

When the last vision of this girl disappeared, all he was left with was a sense of melancholy and nostalgia, yet he hardly understood it.

He felt a hand push back the hair on his forehead. He opened his eyes and was startled to find the girl from his vision hovering above him. Her fingers danced over his skin as she smiled at him. Then she pressed a soft, lingering kiss to his forehead. When she pulled away, he noticed the tears falling down her cheeks. She hastily wiped them away as she rose to her feet and ran away.

Hux’s head fell back against the floor and his eyes slipped closed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little more to the story and I am working towards completing it! :)


End file.
